fourth//element || through the fire && the flames

Amber Pacific
- Fall Back Into My Life
- Save Me From Me (Acoustic)
- Gone So Young (Acoustic)

Something Corporate
- I Woke Up in a Car
- Space
- Hurricane

Hall Om Mig

Once Upon a December

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

so hey

Feliza says:

hey

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I has a question. I didn't get the full picture the other day. What was it you were talking about, like, drama club and ashely and stanley and casey? *majorly confused*

Feliza says:

very complicated.

Feliza says:

just...

Feliza says:

complicated.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I has time

Feliza says:

I kinda don't really want to talk about it

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I see...

Feliza says:

yeah

Feliza says:

how was your day?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

pretty fun. I was hanging out with Lacey from 8am to 3pm

Feliza says:

I see

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

yeah

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

but then Alex joined us

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

and he's pretty cool an all

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

but the PDA depresses me

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

A LOT

Feliza says:

it's weird...

Feliza says:

I kinda think he's odd

Feliza says:

like when Adam touches my stomcah

Feliza says:

*stomach

Feliza says:

CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPY

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

<_<

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I needs a cuddy-buddy... so I don't feel like a third wheel with them

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

*sad*

Feliza says:

sure.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

... sure what?

Feliza says:

sure you do.

Feliza says:

boys fucking piss me off.

Feliza says:

nobody needs them.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Well... there's Tyler. So I still have a bit of hope. (OH! I SAW STEVEN AT TARGET TODAY!! * random* I met his mom, She's pretty nice)

Feliza says:

his mom is nice.

Feliza says:

but nobody needs boyfriends.

Feliza says:

they aren't worth the grief.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Well, I don't want to have to be around couples. It's just as depressing.

Feliza says:

then don't hang out around couples.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

But Lacey is one of my bestest friends.... and so are you, and I would hand out with you when you were with Trevor. And Todd and Lucy show up a lot. If I banned myself from hanging with couples, I'll be very lonely. *sigh* Either way, I'm sad.

Feliza says:

=P you should definitely have avoided me and trevor. that was an apocalypse waiting to happen.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Yeah well, doesn't matter. I'm used to hurt. The only way I'll ever get a guy to love me is over the internet. Lovely.

Feliza says:

you know, if you'd like yourself better, other people would like you more.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

If I were a guy, I wouldn't like me either, so what's the point?

Feliza says:

If I were a guy, I'd think that if you couldn't even like yourself, why the fuck would I like you?

Feliza says:

it's the same with guys.

Feliza says:

if they aren't even gonna take care of themselves, why the fuck would I think they'll take care of me?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I can take care of myself. I just don't LIKE myself.

Feliza says:

well, you can't get any guy to like you if you don't like yourself.

Feliza says:

I speak from EXPERIENCE.

Feliza says:

so there.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Then I guess I'm going to be single forever.

Feliza says:

sigh.

Feliza says:

that's really excellent.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

yep

Feliza says:

what a great attitude for you to have.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

uh huh

Feliza says:

you think that saying and thinking things like that will help?

Feliza says:

because you're wrong.

Feliza says:

you won't be able to get anywhere if you don't stop feeling sorry for yourself, get yourself out there, and be happy with who you are.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

No, because I know nothing will help.

Feliza says:

I know.

Feliza says:

because I used to be exactly like you.

Feliza says:

EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

Feliza says:

I thought nobody liked me.

Feliza says:

I had no friends.

Feliza says:

I hated myself.

Feliza says:

I hated EVERYTHING about myself.

Feliza says:

I thought about running away.

Feliza says:

I thought about taking pills to OD.

Feliza says:

I thought nobody cared about me besides my two friends on the internet.

Feliza says:

That's bullshit.

Feliza says:

and once I got into high school, I finally started to think I might be worth something.

Feliza says:

and that's when I started getting friends.

Feliza says:

and that's when I got my first boyfriend.

Feliza says:

because I finally figured out that NOBODY BUT ME can tell me how much worth I have.

Feliza says:

I am the ONLY person who can decide that.

Feliza says:

you're the only person who can decide you're worth anything, jasmine.

Feliza says:

look around you for once.

Feliza says:

You have friends.

Feliza says:

a lot of them.

Feliza says:

people who care about you.

Feliza says:

you have parents that take care of you.

Feliza says:

and the only thing you think about is whether or not boys look at you like that?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I know I have friends and people who care.

Feliza says:

that's stupid. because they aren't worth it.

Feliza says:

boys are NOT worth all the things they make you feel.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I see... I guess I never really knew that for myself, not counting online. I just don't like feeling out of the loop

Feliza says:

and they will continue to make you feel like shit if you don't start at least pretending you like yourself.

Feliza says:

most people don't have boyfriends.

Feliza says:

name three girls at school who you think are the most self-confident.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

wait, why?

Feliza says:

because I said so.

Feliza says:

name three.

Feliza says:

now.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

you're very demanding.

Feliza says:

yes.

Feliza says:

I am.

Feliza says:

it's not very difficult, and I am not having a good day, so indulge me.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I don't know... I always thought Ashely Stevens, Christina, and Desiree are pretty self-confident. But then again, how should I know?

Feliza says:

how many of them have boyfriends?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

None

Feliza says:

name three girls you think are really happy.

Feliza says:

from school.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I don't think anyone's really happy.

Feliza says:

well.

Feliza says:

then successful.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

as far as acedmics?

Feliza says:

sure.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Well, we all know number one. The other's, I don't know

Feliza says:

agains.

Feliza says:

which ones have boyfriends?

Feliza says:

none?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I don't know

Feliza says:

okay.

Feliza says:

so all these people are great. even though they don't have boyfriends.

Feliza says:

they have friends.

Feliza says:

they get respected.

Feliza says:

their lives move on.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

ah

Feliza says:

people get fed up with listening to you talk about being alone, you know.

Feliza says:

they start thinking, "So -- that makes me nobody? because I'm hanging out with her. I'm listening. I care."

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

not alone

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Just... depressed

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I mean

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

forget it

Feliza says:

no.

Feliza says:

because that's what friends are for.

Feliza says:

they listen to you when you're depressed.

Feliza says:

they try to make you feel better.

Feliza says:

and when that doesn't work, they yell at you to tell you to get over it.

Feliza says:

be glad you never met Katey Rice.

Feliza says:

her friend was going to kill herself, and she smacked the girl across the face.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

o.o.................

Feliza says:

yeah.

Feliza says:

It's taken me a few months to even reach the yelling-at-you point.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I see...

Feliza says:

yeah.

Feliza says:

I have more patience than katey.

Feliza says:

but seriously, it's not that bad yet -- wait until you get a boyfriend who's right there, who has all of your friends wrapped in his hands, and when he dumps you, you can't even hang out with people you used to love being with because hanging out with THEM means hanging out with HIM.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

mmm, hadn't thought of that

Feliza says:

most people don't.

Feliza says:

and wait until your boyfriend is your best friend IN THE WHOLE WORLD and ditches you for somebody else.

Feliza says:

although, if you've had a best friend ditch you, you'll understand how it feels.

Feliza says:

but that has happened to me a grand total of four times.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Trevor was your best friend in the whole world?

Feliza says:

yes.

Feliza says:

he WAS.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

ah..

Feliza says:

WAS being the key word.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I know..

Feliza says:

yeah.

Feliza says:

and it happened three times before that.

Feliza says:

ever get ditched by your best friends?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

ditched as in totally leaving and severing the friendship forever? Or just leaving me and pissing me off?

Feliza says:

ditched as in leaving you alone when you need to have somebody around you more than anything else in the world

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Mm, I guess you can say that

Feliza says:

yeah.

Feliza says:

how often?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

A few times. I can only really remember it with Mike... and mind you, I he's the best and closest friend I have, and he's the friend I've had for the longest (not to mention I've loved him since I was 14). So it really does hurt when I feel like he's ditched me.... but he always makes up for it in the end.

Feliza says:

lucky.

Feliza says:

Jon ditched me and dumped me at the same time.

Feliza says:

Amy ditched me for my ex-boyfriend.

Feliza says:

Tiffany ditched me for my ex-boyfriend, ex-best friend, and Karla.

Feliza says:

and Trevor ditched me because I'm not as cool as Ashley and Karla and Jon.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

I know the feeling of not being "cool" enough.... I feel that way a lot. Most times

Feliza says:

so.

Feliza says:

yeah.

Feliza says:

are you getting over not having a boyfriend yet?

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Well, it didn't bother me as much until I was hanging out with Lacey and Alex. Actually seeing them makes me depressed.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Now that it's been a few hours, I'm cooling down I suppose

Feliza says:

Good.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

You know what? I need to get my mind off of Mike or I'm going to drive myself insane. Being in love with your best friend who is also in love with you is frustrating when we can't be together because of his good-for-nothing fiance.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Oh, I'm sorry, she's good for one thing. Physical contact

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

the ONE thing I can't give him

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

and I know for a fact that if I were to go to England, he'd be mine.

Feliza says:

sigh.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

What now?

Feliza says:

not helping.

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

Well, I'm making progress. I was worse. I was like, "Mike and I are meant to be, and I'm not going to let anything get in my way! YAR!" now I'm like, "I really really love Mike to bits, but... maybe I need to get away from online stuff for a while... and... I still like Tyler..." *shifty eyes*

Feliza says:

*sigh*

Feliza says:

what would be MORE helpful is...

Feliza says:

"I should totally work on my drawing style. Because then I'll be a kick-ass artist."

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

.... but I already am

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

In fact, I'm drawing now

Feliza says:

Good.

Feliza says:

I noticed your style hasn't much changed since I met you

Feliza says:

that probably isn't good

Feliza says:

I know my writing style has changed since you met me

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

alright

Feliza says:

I'll be right back

Mizu is hurting...*red+u says:

ok

I would most certainly choose Ian O'Shea.

Why?

1.  He would love me, even if I had 1,000 tentacles.

2.  He would love me no matter what my body looked like, because he would love me for my "soul."  (Heh.)

3.  He's really quite attractive.

4.  Black hair + Blue eyes = Sexxxxxxxxxxy.

 Love, to me, means never giving up.  I haven't always felt like this.  I used to think love was that happy feeling in your gut.  I thought it was the floaty feeling.

But it isn't.

I learned that this year, when my second boyfriend dumped me.  He just gave up on a problem he had with me without even bothering to tell me what it was.

Love is not giving up.

I said I'd moved on and I'll leave it alone,
But before I walk out there is something that I need you to know:
I got lost in a blink of an eye,
And I can never get back - no, I've never got back.
You were not there when I wanted to say
That you were everything that right and it wasn't you but me that changed
Now I got to go it alone,
But I'll never give up, no I'll never give up

You know what? I can't trust anybody.

At all.

So I should just kind of give up on life.

But I'm stubborn.

So I won't.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing,
Do you feel anything?

I just had about five different people betray me in five different ways. How did I ever think of them as friends? It turns out that the only people who actually are my friends are people I never felt that close to in the first place. I find that amazing.

And I can't trust anybody. Ever again.

I said I'm ok but I know how to lie
You were all that I had,
You were delicate and hard to find
I got lost in the back of my mind,
And I can never get back, no I've never got back
You were not there when I needed to say
I hit the bottom so fast that my head was spinning 'round for days
Now I gotta go it alone
But I will never give up, no, I'll never give up

So it'll be my mission to lie a lot now. And I mean a lot. Because I walked into this school year with no best friend - he ditched me - and no friends, period.

Plus, I thought there were people I could trust. Turns out there's nobody.

You know what? Fuck you. I TRUSTED YOU. You turned around and stabbed me in the fucking back. What kind of friend are you, anyway? I don't need you. Nobody needs a friend like you.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

Everything I do feels useless. Everything I say bites back. Everyone I meet eventually finds me worthless.

The only solution? Meet new people. Never stop meeting new people and doing new things. Never trust anybody. Never fall for anybody. Never, ever trust a best friend with a boyfriend. And never let anybody see things going on inside.

What am I fighting for?
What am I fighting for....

It feels like I've been losing my mind. I'll never get any sleep tonight.

Never give up on this [x4]

I'm not giving up on myself. I'm not giving up on my life. Yeah, I thought about killing myself today, but for about five minutes. I won't kill myself, I won't hurt myself, I'll just do what I do - write - and forget about everybody and everything else. Nobody is worth the words. Nobody is worth my writing or the writing of any of the amazing authors I love to read.

And if they aren't worth the words, they aren't worth my attention.

Said I'm ok but I know how to lie -
But I will never give up, no I'll never give up

Yeah, I'll be depressed for a while. I'll be upset.

Because it's hard not to be.

But when it gets down to the matter, I'm kind of stubborn. I will not give up on anything. I'll never give up on myself. I never give up on my friends. That's gotten me into the trouble I'm in, but it's also kept somebody alive who was worth everything to me.

No giving up.

What am I fighting for?
There must me something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

I'm finally finding the things that are worth it. I'm finally finding out who I am and why I am the way I am.

I am fighting to be who I am, and I'm fighting for my right to be adult. I will never be a child again, and I don't want to be. FUCK YOU.

What am I fighting for? (No I'm never gonna give up, give up)
What am I fighting for? (No I'm never gonna give up, give up)

Nothing is worth it anymore. Nothing. I have no friends. I have nobody to trust. I don't care anymore. All I want is to write. Nothing more.

Said that I'd fight for the one that I've found
I'm gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around.
I fight: you're apart of me now,
And I will never give up, no I'll never give up!

Just got back from OL.

And Lickety Split.

I had ice cream.

And my class ring came in the mail.

Life is good right now.

Here's the game plan for August.

• Finish up the entry for L. Ron Hubbard's Writers of the Future contest. Apparently, this is a very important Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Horror genre competition. Hey, sounds good to me. The short story I'll be submitting is a soft sci-fi story called Access Invalidated, and it's 2,300 words pre-edit. Hopefully it'll get longer when I work on it, because right now it seems a little short. And dry. But then again, since it's about losing personal identity, maybe dry is a good thing.
• Turn in my job application to Barnes & Noble. Still haven't done that. I need a job so I can save up to go to Alpha next summer. (Assuming that I get into Alpha, of course, but I can't exactly be picky about it. $1,000 is a lot of money to raise at a part-time, weekend job.)
• Write entries to 2 Young Writers Society contests. Hopefully, they'll end up being good enough to send to publishing houses/magazines.
• Get Jocelyn, Jasmine, Cactus, and a few other friends to submit to an e-zine. I want some editing experience, and I figure that I'd best find out how to do it myself.
• Go talk to the librarian in the Business section at the Main Library and ask about business permits in the city of Toledo and in Lucas County. I'll have to find out a few other things, too - like about vendors' licenses and the fees required for such things. Maybe I ought to just ask about small businesses.
• Work on my weekly assignments for Annunciation Radio. I have an internship there!
• Actually finish Fractured. God in heaven above, but that's taken a long time. I should actually be working on it now. There are only 10 chapters left to write, and one of them's already written out of order! I am such a lazy bum.
• Compose the short short story I'm entering into the Writer's Digest contest. In December. But hey - I'll be busy in October and November. I won't be able to afford time for writing contests. I think.
• Finish Rocket Stage 4. Because people who shall remain nameless will not get off my back until I do so, and I want them off my back as soon as possible.
• Write three essays: one for BBG Systems, one for TextbookX, and one for PresidentialCandidates.tv. The essays are for scholarship contests. The BBG one is for $3,000, the TextbookX one is for $2,000, and the PresidentialCandidates.tv one is for $4,400. That's a lot of money. I probably won't get all of them, but even one would help matters substantially. Especially since I don't want to stay at UT.

Well, that's the basic plan for now. There may be a few changes later in the month, but I'm not looking forward to it...

http://www.lifeteen.com/

http://www.youthapostles.com/links/

http://www.delawarestmary.org/Youth/catholicteenlinks.htm

Rebel Girl by Bikini Kill

Hamster Baby by Bikini Kill

New Radio by Bikini Kill

After Dark by Le Tigre

TKO by Le Tigre

I'm So Excited by Le Tigre

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riot_grrrl
--> The Wikipedia article on "Riot Grrrl"

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/32677/the_riot_grrl_movement_of_the_1990s.html
--> Associated Content: The Riot Grrrl Movement of the 1990s

http://lanadouglass.wordpress.com/2007/04/25/so-what-is-riot-grrrl/
--> A great starting article about the Riot Grrrl movement

http://www.ehow.com/how_2195419_never-get-published.html

Well, my massive depression has once again cropped up.

This may have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend dumped me, is now my ex-boyfriend, and is an asshole.

I dunno.

Maybe.

http://www.cafepress.com/buy/twilight+alice/-/pv_design_prod/p_2203059.184440123/pNo_184440123/id_23302708/fpt_fXcq__DB__aCXDa_qz0X_VOD_eah__lS____o3/opt_/c_10651/pg_1

Hold Me, Bat Boy --- Bat Boy

A Home For You --- Bat Boy

Hold Me, Bat Boy II --- Brian Fleming

Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) --- Cobra Starship

Despre Tine --- O-Zone

Ciao Bambina --- O-Zone

Promise --- Simple Plan

Everytime --- Simple Plan

Untitled --- Simple Plan

Hollaback Boy --- Cobra Starship

Bicycle Race --- Queen

Ice Ice Baby --- Vanilla Ice

Lord of the Rings (Main Theme) --- LOTR Soundtrack

Uruk Hai --- LOTR Soundtrack

Lux Aeterna --- Alexander Knaifel

Lux Aeterna --- Choir of Clare College, Cambridge

Lacrimosa --- Mozart

Dethklok - Murmaider

Dethklok - Fansong

Bullet for my Valentine - Disappear

BFMV - Scream, Aim, Fire

BFMV - Tears Don't Fall

BFMV - Room 409

Lacrimosa

Low

Amoeba

Revolution Deathsquad

Insight

Save You

No Reason

The Host of Seraphim

Poetically Pathetic

Gone So Young

Riot

Travis Barker's "Low"

Travis Barker's "Crank Dat"

+ Turkey
+ Cranberry sauce
+ Pumpkin pie

What else do I have to say?